My baby, I
celebrate the anniversary of your homegoing. But most of all I celebrate the
opportunity of being you & your brother’s mother. Over the years since your
transition I have had some of the experiences of true testing of will &
faith, but I have made it through. And with this I honor you & him with…well…you’ll
see.
A few months
after your death I spilled my thoughts out to our then pastor in tears and
grief and that was the last correspondence I heard from him in consolation.
Even though I still attended services for a few months longer and even
continued to tithe & send special offerings over the years I never heard
from him. Yet, I forgave him.
Several months
after your transition a few of the women from the church had a “mother’s
weekend” retreat and I wasn’t invited and I found out about the outing in a
passing conversation amongst the women. And some might say, oh they didn’t know
how you would feel. But it really wasn’t about how I would feel it is about how
they would feel… uncomfortable. This time I’m thinking whether my children are
alive or deceased I am and will always be a mother. Again my forgiveness was in
order and I did thus so.
Approximately
six months into the grief process I ran into a former coworker & was
talking to him & mentioned you and his response was, “Haven’t you gotten
over that yet?” And my response was, “No I haven’t & I never will.” He has
since passed away & years ago I had forgiven him for his idiocy.
Fourteen months
after your earthly departure I had moved and changed doctors. My first visit to
my new physician I expressed grief though tears and his response was, “You will
have to get over it.” I looked at him and
my thoughts were, you are going home to your wife, children & grandchildren
and you are telling me I need to get over it. It is clear that neither bedside manner nor
compassion was his strong suit. But him too I forgive.
Many years later
on two different occasions in speaking of you to two different people and
expressing my thoughts on the day-to-day processes of being a mother of
deceased children is liken almost reliving the pain daily. Their response is,
”Have you thought of counseling?” They just don’t get it. For they go home to
their children & grandchildren and I get to listen to them talk about their
daily family escapades. No matter how many years go by there are constant
reminders though other’s talking of their children & grandchildren and the
pieces of me die daily in constant reminders of out of order death, called the
experience of being a parent of a deceased children. No matter how much
counseling one gets this is not going to change the day-to-day reminders of
loss. But they too I forgive.
At a resent
church I was attending in speaking with the pastor about the loss of my
children and his response was, “My wife had two miscarriages, so I know how you
feel.” Now I am looking at this man and internally
shaking my head, are you kidding me. You don’t have an inkling of my life
challenge. There isn’t any comparison by a long shot. You have a wife and your
two children are alive. You most likely get to see them grow up, make many
achievements, get married and give you grandchildren. You have the audacity to
make a comparison. News flash, you don’t know how I feel! And once again I
have forgiven you.
Last but not
least my biological family. I just have to shake my head on this, but here
goes. Never once is your name mentioned. Bulletin…my child did not take a pill
and poof she disappeared. Once again many sympathetic people to their response
may say, “They are thinking you may feel awkward.” But I am here to tell you
once again, they are uncomfortable and I am heartbroken. Lord knows I forgive
them too.
But today on
December 22, 2015 I celebrate the twenty-second year of your homegoing. Many
days go by and it is a challenge but I’ve endured. But most of all my memory is
of a child who thanked me for having her, told me she loved me, and most of all
expressed her love of God verbally and written. Without a doubt I look forward
to spending eternity with you and our Lord. How many other’s can assuredly say
the same?