Celebration in Forgiveness

My baby, I celebrate the anniversary of your homegoing. But most of all I celebrate the opportunity of being you & your brother’s mother. Over the years since your transition I have had some of the experiences of true testing of will & faith, but I have made it through. And with this I honor you & him with…well…you’ll see.

A few months after your death I spilled my thoughts out to our then pastor in tears and grief and that was the last correspondence I heard from him in consolation. Even though I still attended services for a few months longer and even continued to tithe & send special offerings over the years I never heard from him. Yet, I forgave him.

Several months after your transition a few of the women from the church had a “mother’s weekend” retreat and I wasn’t invited and I found out about the outing in a passing conversation amongst the women. And some might say, oh they didn’t know how you would feel. But it really wasn’t about how I would feel it is about how they would feel… uncomfortable. This time I’m thinking whether my children are alive or deceased I am and will always be a mother. Again my forgiveness was in order and I did thus so.

Approximately six months into the grief process I ran into a former coworker & was talking to him & mentioned you and his response was, “Haven’t you gotten over that yet?” And my response was, “No I haven’t & I never will.” He has since passed away & years ago I had forgiven him for his idiocy.

Fourteen months after your earthly departure I had moved and changed doctors. My first visit to my new physician I expressed grief though tears and his response was, “You will have to get over it.” I looked at him and my thoughts were, you are going home to your wife, children & grandchildren and you are telling me I need to get over it.  It is clear that neither bedside manner nor compassion was his strong suit. But him too I forgive.

Many years later on two different occasions in speaking of you to two different people and expressing my thoughts on the day-to-day processes of being a mother of deceased children is liken almost reliving the pain daily. Their response is, ”Have you thought of counseling?” They just don’t get it. For they go home to their children & grandchildren and I get to listen to them talk about their daily family escapades. No matter how many years go by there are constant reminders though other’s talking of their children & grandchildren and the pieces of me die daily in constant reminders of out of order death, called the experience of being a parent of a deceased children. No matter how much counseling one gets this is not going to change the day-to-day reminders of loss. But they too I forgive.

At a resent church I was attending in speaking with the pastor about the loss of my children and his response was, “My wife had two miscarriages, so I know how you feel.” Now I am looking at this man and internally shaking my head, are you kidding me. You don’t have an inkling of my life challenge. There isn’t any comparison by a long shot. You have a wife and your two children are alive. You most likely get to see them grow up, make many achievements, get married and give you grandchildren. You have the audacity to make a comparison. News flash, you don’t know how I feel! And once again I have forgiven you.

Last but not least my biological family. I just have to shake my head on this, but here goes. Never once is your name mentioned. Bulletin…my child did not take a pill and poof she disappeared. Once again many sympathetic people to their response may say, “They are thinking you may feel awkward.” But I am here to tell you once again, they are uncomfortable and I am heartbroken. Lord knows I forgive them too.

But today on December 22, 2015 I celebrate the twenty-second year of your homegoing. Many days go by and it is a challenge but I’ve endured. But most of all my memory is of a child who thanked me for having her, told me she loved me, and most of all expressed her love of God verbally and written. Without a doubt I look forward to spending eternity with you and our Lord. How many other’s can assuredly say the same?