Reflections Towards Anticipation

I am looking back on 2015 and towards 2016 and I see both as they blend into one another. At the end of July 2015 I realized I hadn’t read a single book. And I said to myself this will not do. Since then I’ve read twelve books and look towards completing at least two more before years end. They have inspired, taught me and revealed a lot about myself. I have gained in contemplation of who I am, whose I am, and what I & He wants me to accomplish.

With this realization I’ve had to take some steps to change directions and eliminate anything that is distractive, destructive, not purposeful in me reaching my God ordained destiny. And with this fork-in-the road I have peace. Yet, some deem it as, “You shouldn’t be doing this.” But what do they have in stake in this matter? Oh, they were benefiting from my “pit” syndrome. It suited them fine, but they failed to be self-reflective of their part that they played in this redirection. Yet they didn’t ask directly, why the change? Their focus is not on what is beneficial for my growth or kingdom growth. The emphasis is on what they have lost, but I see it as someone else is going gain from what they have given way.

Yes, the vision board is done. There are tons of books to be read and written. I anticipate growth & blessings beyond gauge-able ability in 2016. Let the festivities begin! Woo Hoo, Hallelujah, praise the Lord and, “The Lord be magnified, Who delights in the prosperity of His servant.” Psalms 35:27b NASB

Gift Expression

I have often thought about gift giving. To me it is important, the thought that goes into presenting someone with a token of appreciation. Not the visceral duty of “I have to get someone a gift.” It is, well for me anyways, a manner in which I tell the recipient how much they matter to me. And over the years I have found most people just give something to appease them selves with well…”I gave them something.” Should gift giving matter? Let’s take look at its phycology and origins.

Giving a gift is a universal way to show interest, appreciation, and gratitude, as well as strengthen bonds with others, sources say. “There is the whole act — determining what needs to be given and making sure it fits with the person,” says Devin A. Byrd, Ph.D., associate professor and chair of the Department of Behavioral Sciences at South University — Savannah. “There is an emotional lift when searching for the gift.” http://source.southuniversity.edu/the-psychology-behind-giftgiving-61911.aspx (retrieved December 28, 2015) Gift exchanges can reveal how people think about others, what they value and enjoy, and how they build and maintain relationships. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/12/141222111553.htm (Retrieved December 28, 2015) Anthropologists, psychologists, marketers, and economists all agree that gift giving is an integral-land important part of human behavior. … The practice of giving presents is one that is evident in human history. In many ancient tribes all over the world, it is done to celebrate births, deaths, unions, and life in general. Even in the government, it is one thing that has been done for thousands of years already. Diplomatic presents in the past would often involve animals, among other items that are as weird as they are interesting. King Nebuchadnezzar supposedly gave the Hanging Garden of Babylon as a present to his wife who was sick at that time. In many historical accounts, many have also recounted how men were naturally generous in order to attract women that they liked. … Gift giving is also an effective form of communication. It symbolizes the message you would want to relay to the recipient. http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-1242168 (retrieved December 28, 2015)

Yes, gift giving is an integral part of human interaction. Unfortunately, I hold a relatively high standard of thought in my gift giving process. I think, the color they like, something they need but may not necessary buy for themselves, something that they’ve mentioned that they like, card for event, place, store that they frequently patronize. To me it is a thought thoughtful process.

Most recently I’ve found out that you can find out your “pecking order” in the person’s relationship where as if they are paying attention to your likes or dislikes. For example the people they care for they give them exactly what they want but for the “duty” gift relationship person they just give them anything to say I gave them a gift. To me this is sad, so very sad. But it does shows where one stands in the relationship. We are taught to treat others as we want to be treated but unfortunately it doesn’t work both ways.

So yes I will continue to give willingly with thoughtfulness and pray for the people who give me the duty gift. At some point this may mean reevaluating the relationship.  Or... do we really have on? And on that note, I’ll just have to smile, laugh, and keep it moving. :>)

Tears of Joy

A few days ago in the early evening I was setting in a restaurant with my ear buds in my ears listening to a Podcast.  The cast I was listening to was from Amazing Facts – Bible Answers Live titled Feeding on God’s Word which aired on Saturday, December 19, 2015. Pastors Doug Batchelor and Jëan Ross are the moderators. During the broadcast a caller named Roy listening from New York presented the question, “Do aborted babies wind up in heaven? And who takes cares of them and feeds them?”

When I heard this question posed it peaked my interest. Pastor Batchelor referenced scriptures; the first was in Job 3, where Job cursed the day he was born and questioned would he have been better of being born dead and the other was, Matthew 18:10, “See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven continually see the face of My Father who is in heaven.” NASB Pastor Bachelor spoke of there being babies in heaven but the question was will all babies be there. With this in mind Batchelor explained his rational of whether all conceived would be in heaven, but this is not exactly substantive to my thought process at that moment. The area that I was brought to was a conversation I had had with my daughter about her brother who was stillborn.

At around the age of I’d say…ummm…maybe 8 years old she asked me what her brother looked like. And the honest response was I didn’t know. I had not seen him. Now less forward nine years later. After returning from the hospital, on a chilly December afternoon the day of my daughter’s death, a thought pierced my being as I walked from the garage to the house. “She knows what her brother looks like now.” I looked up and the sun just seemed to appear from behind the clouds as confirmation and all I could do was smile. And I am sure this is what carried me through the ceremonial homecoming and burial of my only living child.

As I listened to this broadcast, which just happened to be one day after the anniversary of my daughter’s death, tears just proceed to come. Yes, tears of joy. Knowing that they are together, loving one another, waiting on me to be their mother once again. This truly brings scripture to life, THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENTH, WHOM SHALL I FEAR?

Celebration in Forgiveness

My baby, I celebrate the anniversary of your homegoing. But most of all I celebrate the opportunity of being you & your brother’s mother. Over the years since your transition I have had some of the experiences of true testing of will & faith, but I have made it through. And with this I honor you & him with…well…you’ll see.

A few months after your death I spilled my thoughts out to our then pastor in tears and grief and that was the last correspondence I heard from him in consolation. Even though I still attended services for a few months longer and even continued to tithe & send special offerings over the years I never heard from him. Yet, I forgave him.

Several months after your transition a few of the women from the church had a “mother’s weekend” retreat and I wasn’t invited and I found out about the outing in a passing conversation amongst the women. And some might say, oh they didn’t know how you would feel. But it really wasn’t about how I would feel it is about how they would feel… uncomfortable. This time I’m thinking whether my children are alive or deceased I am and will always be a mother. Again my forgiveness was in order and I did thus so.

Approximately six months into the grief process I ran into a former coworker & was talking to him & mentioned you and his response was, “Haven’t you gotten over that yet?” And my response was, “No I haven’t & I never will.” He has since passed away & years ago I had forgiven him for his idiocy.

Fourteen months after your earthly departure I had moved and changed doctors. My first visit to my new physician I expressed grief though tears and his response was, “You will have to get over it.” I looked at him and my thoughts were, you are going home to your wife, children & grandchildren and you are telling me I need to get over it.  It is clear that neither bedside manner nor compassion was his strong suit. But him too I forgive.

Many years later on two different occasions in speaking of you to two different people and expressing my thoughts on the day-to-day processes of being a mother of deceased children is liken almost reliving the pain daily. Their response is, ”Have you thought of counseling?” They just don’t get it. For they go home to their children & grandchildren and I get to listen to them talk about their daily family escapades. No matter how many years go by there are constant reminders though other’s talking of their children & grandchildren and the pieces of me die daily in constant reminders of out of order death, called the experience of being a parent of a deceased children. No matter how much counseling one gets this is not going to change the day-to-day reminders of loss. But they too I forgive.

At a resent church I was attending in speaking with the pastor about the loss of my children and his response was, “My wife had two miscarriages, so I know how you feel.” Now I am looking at this man and internally shaking my head, are you kidding me. You don’t have an inkling of my life challenge. There isn’t any comparison by a long shot. You have a wife and your two children are alive. You most likely get to see them grow up, make many achievements, get married and give you grandchildren. You have the audacity to make a comparison. News flash, you don’t know how I feel! And once again I have forgiven you.

Last but not least my biological family. I just have to shake my head on this, but here goes. Never once is your name mentioned. Bulletin…my child did not take a pill and poof she disappeared. Once again many sympathetic people to their response may say, “They are thinking you may feel awkward.” But I am here to tell you once again, they are uncomfortable and I am heartbroken. Lord knows I forgive them too.

But today on December 22, 2015 I celebrate the twenty-second year of your homegoing. Many days go by and it is a challenge but I’ve endured. But most of all my memory is of a child who thanked me for having her, told me she loved me, and most of all expressed her love of God verbally and written. Without a doubt I look forward to spending eternity with you and our Lord. How many other’s can assuredly say the same?