Tears of Joy

A few days ago in the early evening I was setting in a restaurant with my ear buds in my ears listening to a Podcast.  The cast I was listening to was from Amazing Facts – Bible Answers Live titled Feeding on God’s Word which aired on Saturday, December 19, 2015. Pastors Doug Batchelor and Jëan Ross are the moderators. During the broadcast a caller named Roy listening from New York presented the question, “Do aborted babies wind up in heaven? And who takes cares of them and feeds them?”

When I heard this question posed it peaked my interest. Pastor Batchelor referenced scriptures; the first was in Job 3, where Job cursed the day he was born and questioned would he have been better of being born dead and the other was, Matthew 18:10, “See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven continually see the face of My Father who is in heaven.” NASB Pastor Bachelor spoke of there being babies in heaven but the question was will all babies be there. With this in mind Batchelor explained his rational of whether all conceived would be in heaven, but this is not exactly substantive to my thought process at that moment. The area that I was brought to was a conversation I had had with my daughter about her brother who was stillborn.

At around the age of I’d say…ummm…maybe 8 years old she asked me what her brother looked like. And the honest response was I didn’t know. I had not seen him. Now less forward nine years later. After returning from the hospital, on a chilly December afternoon the day of my daughter’s death, a thought pierced my being as I walked from the garage to the house. “She knows what her brother looks like now.” I looked up and the sun just seemed to appear from behind the clouds as confirmation and all I could do was smile. And I am sure this is what carried me through the ceremonial homecoming and burial of my only living child.

As I listened to this broadcast, which just happened to be one day after the anniversary of my daughter’s death, tears just proceed to come. Yes, tears of joy. Knowing that they are together, loving one another, waiting on me to be their mother once again. This truly brings scripture to life, THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENTH, WHOM SHALL I FEAR?

Celebration in Forgiveness

My baby, I celebrate the anniversary of your homegoing. But most of all I celebrate the opportunity of being you & your brother’s mother. Over the years since your transition I have had some of the experiences of true testing of will & faith, but I have made it through. And with this I honor you & him with…well…you’ll see.

A few months after your death I spilled my thoughts out to our then pastor in tears and grief and that was the last correspondence I heard from him in consolation. Even though I still attended services for a few months longer and even continued to tithe & send special offerings over the years I never heard from him. Yet, I forgave him.

Several months after your transition a few of the women from the church had a “mother’s weekend” retreat and I wasn’t invited and I found out about the outing in a passing conversation amongst the women. And some might say, oh they didn’t know how you would feel. But it really wasn’t about how I would feel it is about how they would feel… uncomfortable. This time I’m thinking whether my children are alive or deceased I am and will always be a mother. Again my forgiveness was in order and I did thus so.

Approximately six months into the grief process I ran into a former coworker & was talking to him & mentioned you and his response was, “Haven’t you gotten over that yet?” And my response was, “No I haven’t & I never will.” He has since passed away & years ago I had forgiven him for his idiocy.

Fourteen months after your earthly departure I had moved and changed doctors. My first visit to my new physician I expressed grief though tears and his response was, “You will have to get over it.” I looked at him and my thoughts were, you are going home to your wife, children & grandchildren and you are telling me I need to get over it.  It is clear that neither bedside manner nor compassion was his strong suit. But him too I forgive.

Many years later on two different occasions in speaking of you to two different people and expressing my thoughts on the day-to-day processes of being a mother of deceased children is liken almost reliving the pain daily. Their response is, ”Have you thought of counseling?” They just don’t get it. For they go home to their children & grandchildren and I get to listen to them talk about their daily family escapades. No matter how many years go by there are constant reminders though other’s talking of their children & grandchildren and the pieces of me die daily in constant reminders of out of order death, called the experience of being a parent of a deceased children. No matter how much counseling one gets this is not going to change the day-to-day reminders of loss. But they too I forgive.

At a resent church I was attending in speaking with the pastor about the loss of my children and his response was, “My wife had two miscarriages, so I know how you feel.” Now I am looking at this man and internally shaking my head, are you kidding me. You don’t have an inkling of my life challenge. There isn’t any comparison by a long shot. You have a wife and your two children are alive. You most likely get to see them grow up, make many achievements, get married and give you grandchildren. You have the audacity to make a comparison. News flash, you don’t know how I feel! And once again I have forgiven you.

Last but not least my biological family. I just have to shake my head on this, but here goes. Never once is your name mentioned. Bulletin…my child did not take a pill and poof she disappeared. Once again many sympathetic people to their response may say, “They are thinking you may feel awkward.” But I am here to tell you once again, they are uncomfortable and I am heartbroken. Lord knows I forgive them too.

But today on December 22, 2015 I celebrate the twenty-second year of your homegoing. Many days go by and it is a challenge but I’ve endured. But most of all my memory is of a child who thanked me for having her, told me she loved me, and most of all expressed her love of God verbally and written. Without a doubt I look forward to spending eternity with you and our Lord. How many other’s can assuredly say the same?

To be appreciated

I have been crafting for over 32 years. Self taught at crocheting and most recently a knitter. I truly love making things with my hand. As far back as I can remember I’ve loved color, contrast, matching, complementing and coordinating. Even in high school I took art major and some friends and family display some of these projects. Recently I set out to brush-up my degreed area of graphic design.

One Christmas I made everyone in my family and close friends gift from mittens, hats, turbots’, scarfs and afghans. Over the years I have made it a point to make sure all of my closest friends had an afghan. Recently I realized that some of my newer friends did not have a cozy so I’ve embarked on remedying this.

But as I embarked on making these gifts of warmth I could count on one hand how many really appreciated these gifts. Some when in passing say, “You know I have mine.” While others just flippantly look away dismissively. However, today someone expressed how this handmade gift is just what she had been praying for.

Some gifts crocheted, some knitted, digital designed and even some canning. Lord knows in my heart I truly love giving not just the gift but taking the time that it takes for me to make these items. Picking out the pattern, selecting the color, making it, gift-wrapping, praying over the item as I make it, and mailing it. My precious time that the Lord has honored me; time that I can never regain, a true part of me is put in each item that I make.

Yes, those who do not appreciate these gifts of love out weigh the ones who just beam from knowing the care that I’ve given them, my time, my love…these I cannot get back is well worth it.

Conversation of longing

ME: Oh My Baby I miss you so much this morning. How I long to be with you.

Andriess:  Mommy, I miss you too, but He has much work for you there in the natural. We shall have our eternity together with Him.

ME: On the outside the face of gladness because of Him and on the inside the heartbreak of celebrating your 21^st homecoming…I miss you each and everyday, hour, minute, second because I see those celebrations for you in this life I shall never have when I look at other’s children each and every day  – graduations, marriage, grandchildren, triumphs and days of lessons learned.

To you out there who are chasing around for that perfect Christmas gift. It has already been given. It is Christ and no money can purchase it. So as we prepare to celebrate His birth in three day all you have to do is say “YES” to this gift and your life will never be the same. It will give you a motivation and a peace for living even when the obstacles of the life tell you there is none.

HE is the reason for the season and the reason that I can live and proclaim His name today faced with the earthly fact that I have buried two children…King Jesus my brother, my Savior…a gift through grace (unmerited favor) You are mine and I am Yours!

Thank you Love

Lord THANK YOU…it really isn’t enough. Especially in the light of all the foolishness that You have to put up with from Your creation. All You want us to do is to freely love and serve you.

In this “all about me world” of “self imposed indulgent entitlement”…how do we get there?

You are the clear doer of You commandment…love your neighbor as yourself. How do we imitate this in a world that sees kindness as a weakness or views gift giving as a threat to position, prestige or a tool to get whatever they can get out of someone? Yet I know that I am only responsible for my actions in response to their actions.

This doesn’t imply a “door mat” mentality. Yes, love them in spite for their actions or intent. Yet they may view this as being un-loving because they do not understand true love. But Lord my prayer is that You open their eyes to see true love (the action word), understanding, and peace. For You Lord, have blessed me with this gift and I shall stand fast unmovable under Your umbrella of loving You and my neighbor.